Tsyiak, known as the Crow-Father, looked down upon his general in disgust. Lord Maelok had returned earlier that morning in defeat, his right arm heavily bandaged. The entire Chaos horde had been routed, and by the unworthy progeny of the Great Maw no less. Tsyiak was in a foul mood.

As Maelok began to recount the details of the battle, Tsyiak absent-mindedly recalled the last time he had fought the warriors of the Ogre Kingdoms. Vile corpulent creatures, not the beautifully grotesque spawn of the Father of Plagues, dressed in ill-fitting armour and with simple wooden planks for weapons. He allowed himself a smile as he recalled their feeble attempts at magic – all moaning and chanting and coarse blood-rites. They were as children next to the glory of Tzeentch.

Maelok had started talking about his arm again. Tsyiak glanced back to the one known as the Dreadbound, and his ears pricked up as the warrior began describing the strange war machine employed by the Ogres. This was an utterly unexpected discovery. Not only was it unerringly accurate – it had taken out the Chaos Dwarfs’ own artillery in a single shot, and was the cause of Lord Maelok’s broken arm – it was also able to move with amazing fluidity. It appeared that Maelok had underestimated its firing trajectory, and almost paid for it with his life.

The report continued, and Tsyiak became increasingly more frustrated. Legions of the ones called Maneaters – in formation! – not the lone stalkers of the past. Generals and Standard Bearers that led not from the front, but from the second row, but who would march forward to fight in the front-rank when in combat. This sort of discipline did not fit his own memories of the Ogre forces he had so mercilessly crushed no more than a handful of years ago.

No, this was a different enemy altogether. And the more Tsyiak listened, the more he began to realise that his own army, now camped out on the eastern plains, would have been much better equipped to deal with the threat. Instead, he had lost one Hellcannon, a vital supply route back to the lands of the Chaos Dwarfs, and nearly lost his general in the process.

Had he really got it so wrong? Had the Lord of Change kept this knowledge from him? Was he being tested? Tsyiak dismissed Maelok mid-sentence and turned to his divining mirror. He opened a small golden box on the pedestal next to it and inhaled deeply the acrid, smoky vapours. He closed the lid and turned back to the portal. Yes, I have had my feathers ruffled, he thought, but these claws will taste the blood of the unclean soon.

If you’re a regularor reader you’ll remember I had real issues with Wyrd’s miniature range, but I really like this Crew. I’m not sure why they didn’t catch my eye before. The bases are pretty nice too; I’ve chosen Wyrd’s own Ghost Town inserts as they suit the wild west feel of the Guild. Currently they’ve just been given a grey undercoat which I’ll wash with an appropriate base colour to give them some pre-shading.

I’m also taking part in a Warhammer Fantasy campaign so I’ve revisited my Warriors of Chaos army. I’ve started to strip the older models, mainly to remove the bases, and I’ll be doing a similar job as above with a grey undercoat and colour wash. I have to provide two lists for the campaign but I haven’t quite settled on what they’ll be yet. I think I’ll stick to my standard 30-man Slaaneshi Marauder block with a pair of Sorcerers for both lists, and I’ll probably run a Slaaneshi BSB on a Steed of Slaanesh too, but everything else is up for debate.

One interesting addition is a Forge World Chaos Dwarf Iron Daemon which I’m going to use as a Hellcannon. It’s such a great model, but the kit is incredibly complex. I haven’t counted up exactly how many pieces there are, but it’s probably close to 70 or 80. Yikes! I’ll have a go at assembling it – as well as finalising my lists – this weekend.

Taking a break from the Warriors but sticking with the Chaos powers, I also put together these chaps:

The guy on the right is a Herald of Khorne BSB assembled from the Forge World Herald that comes with the Daemon Prince of Khorne. I converted a standard Bloodletter banner and slightly re-posed him on the base. You might also be able to make out the dead body that accompanies him subtly draped over the rocks in the background. I’m really pleased with how this guy turned out, and he’ll look great in my 2500 point Daemons list.

The guy on the left is something a bit special. In the 8th Edition madness I’ve also created a 2500 point Beastmen list, and the list calls for a Ghorgon. I’ve not been satisfied with any conversions I’ve seen online, but a lucky Google image search brought up a link to the Herdstone where I found this sculpt. It’s called the Avatar de Gauroch from a French miniature company called Illyad Games. Unfortunately these guys went out of business a while ago – sadly like a lot of niche French manufacturers – but I managed to locate one at Ludik Bazar. He stands slightly taller than a Doombull and, although he doesn’t have four arms, makes for an excellent Ghorgon.

The only other model I’ve been having difficulty locating is a BSB for the list. There’s a great limited edition sculpt from the old Beasts of Chaos army boxed set (which you can see here) but it’s pretty rare and fetches a high price. Even better, however, is another limited edition sculpt that is being sold at the ETC tournament in Germany. The esteemed Ben Curry pointed me to this thread on the Warhammer Forum, and has offered to buy one for me while he’s out there. I think you’ll agree that it’s an even nicer sculpt and, having seen it in person today at Maelstrom Games, he’s going to look awesome in a ranked-up unit of Gors.

That’s about it for this week. I’ve started thinking about converting that Forge World Daemon Prince of Khorne into a Bloodthirster, and the dragon wings I’ve sized up will do nicely. It’s going to need some ‘green stuff’ work to get them to sit correctly between the shoulder pads and the spinal spikes, but I think I can pull it off. The size of the wings is actually spot-on, so it’s either those or nothing really. I might attempt that in the week if my Hellcannon doesn’t turn up. Either way, I’ll see you soon, war game fans!

The front two rows are my attempts to salvage some vanilla Marines with Bolters. There’re two Aspiring Champions in there with Plasma Pistols and a couple of regular dudes with Plasma Guns. I need to clean up and re-assemble another three Bolter Marines and they’re good to go as two squads of 10.

A little further back are my first three Raptors, including the unit Champion with twin Lightning Claws. I’ve got another Raptor with Bolt Pistol and Chainsword to assemble and one with a Meltagun, then that squad’s also complete. I’d like to get my hands on a Raptor Lord to lead them, but he can wait.

The next row back is a vanilla squad of Havocs, as they come out of the box. I never use these guys, but I own them so I thought I’d at least assemble them. Not sure what I’m going to do with such a mix of weapons; maybe they’ll see an Apocalypse game at some point…

Finally, the back row contains a Lord with Power Weapon and Plasma Pistol, and some Chosen. I’m still missing a few special weapons so I can’t finish that Chosen squad just yet, but so far we have an Aspiring Champion with Power Weapon and Bolt Pistol, and a regular guy with the same wargear. The other two are both armed with Plasma Guns. My plan for these is to use two squads of two, one with Plasmas and Meltas and the other with Flamers and Power Weapons.

Once I’ve finished with this little lot I’m going to sort out the pile of Khorne Berzerker bits I have lying around on my desk, and pick up another pack of Death Guard sprues from Forge World to convert up. My next major task after that is to assemble the two Defilers I still have on sprues, and then we’re back to clean-up. Who knows, maybe I’ll get back to painting them before the end of the year…

This week I’ve been assembling Hordes miniatures from Privateer Press in preparation for the release of Hordes MkII in July. In the image you can see a unit of 6 Legion of Everblight Striders and a Strider Deathstalker solo on the left, and a unit of 6 Skorne Praetorian Swordsmen and Master Tormentor Morghoul on the right. Slightly difficult to see is a unit of 4 Skorne Paingiver Beast Handlers in the background.

The Striders are an interesting proposition. I bought them because I really liked the models, but I know that Archers or Swordsmen would have been a better pick for expanding the starter set. Saying that I’ve yet to play with them, but I’m not expecting my initial lists to be optimal. These guys are probably going to get painted up in standard Legion colours, and with a similar style of snow base to my Khador force.

My Skorne on the other hand are a bit closer to optimal. I’ve read a lot on the awesome BattleCollege about Skorne and how to expand the starter set, and Paingivers generally come first followed closely by Swordsmen. Of course none of this means I’m guaranteed the win, but it does at least give me a good starting point to learn the system. I’ll be painting these in slightly more muted colours than standard Skorne, but they’ll still feature the usual red and gold.

You might also notice in the background a couple of unopened boxes; these are two starter sets for Infinity, the sci-fi skirmish game from Corvus Belli. I picked up the Human Sphere expansion book from Maelstrom Games last time I was down, and I figured what the hell, might as well grab some miniatures while I’m at it! I opted for two of the new sectorial forces, namely the Japanese Sectorial Army for Yu Jing and the Hassassin Bahram for Haqqislam. I’ve yet to play a game of Infinity – and to be honest with all the Warmachine and Hordes MkII goodness at the moment it might take a while – but I’ve read the main rulebook twice now and it looks like a fascinating game. Not sure when you’ll see the miniatures themselves on the table, but I might assemble them in the next couple of weeks just to see what they look like.

That’s it for this week; next week I’m hoping to assemble a few more units for Hordes, and also do an audit of my 2,000 point Chaos Space Marines force for Warhammer 40,000. Mike is running a Planetary Empires campaign when we come back from GenCon, and although I’ve got another few months to sort it out, I’d like to get a head start on the list. So far I need to buy another set of ten Death Guard upgrades from Forge World and assemble another two Khorne Berserkers. Other than that it’s just a matter of painting the new units, and finishing off the existing ones. All the rest are at least base-coated, but I’d like them washed and highlighted before the campaign starts.

See you in a week, game fans!

There are even two new boys entering the fray: Darksiders and Dante’s Inferno. Both look agreeably pleasing to the eye, although the latter’s lead character appears to have an unfortunate case of Clive Owen. And whilst Darksiders would appear to borrow equally from the Zelda series, it’s still very much in the same camp. Unfortunately I don’t know a lot about Darksiders, so I’m going to concentrate on EA’s latest money-spinner instead.

The Dante’s Inferno demo hit the US store at the weekend, and I’ve given it about an hour’s play overall. The first thing that hits you is just how many gratuitous nipple shots there are, and not just female ones either. The second thing that hits you – at least after you look past all the boobs – is whether or not you’re actually playing God of War by mistake. You see, whilst some games may steal a little here and there, EA has effectively reverse-engineered Sony’s classic and reconstituted it with a slightly different set of textures.

I’m really not kidding. Five minutes with the demo ought to convince you. It doesn’t just look the same either, it even plays the same; it is uncannily familiar. Yet whilst it has taken considerable skill to achieve this level of mimicry, something got lost in translation.

After playing Dante’s Inferno the other night, and having previously spent some time in Bayonetta‘s company, I was jonesing for more high-velocity fighting action. It was at this point I remembered I still hadn’t finished Ninja Blade. Now, as anybody who follows my Twitter updates will know, I’m a bit of a Ninja Blade apologist. Despite being the very definition of a 7/10 game (Metacritic currently has it at 68), I absolutely love it. Most of that is down to video gaming’s ultimate badass Ken Ogawa. Frankly, you can keep your Dante’s and your Kratos’ and your Ryu Hayabusa’s – there’s only one man for me.

Yes, that really is a ninja on a motorcycle.

Ninja Blade is, by and large, a mix of Ninja Gaiden and God of War. It has combos, power-ups, QTEs, and massive end-of-level bosses. It even features bi-lingual dialogue so you can clearly see the team’s aims. But none of this comes across as cynical. In fact I get the impression that the team wanted to make a game in this genre because they fucking love it. The game is infused with utterly hatstand moments that can only be born out of love. From surfing a sidewinder missile to uppercutting a 747, Ken Ogawa is every doujin fantasy rolled into one. And then covered in awesome and set alight.

Contrast this with the aforementioned Dante’s Inferno. At no point during the hour I played it did I ever experience anything approaching pleasure. Sure, my gamer brain was being tickled by the pattern-matching and pretty lights, but like a MacDonald’s meal I was ultimately left unfulfilled.

So here’s my point for those of you in the cheap seats: if you’re going to copy something at least understand why you’re copying it in the first place. Visceral know how to make a compelling game – they proved as much with Dead Space – but the EA machine appears to have gotten the better of them. Instead of copying the underlying mechanics and re-purposing them, they have mathematically analysed God of War to the point where any potential joy has been replaced by a formula. It’s like taking a delicious meal and trying to replicate it chemically; what you’re left with may appear to be the same, but you’re missing the nuances the chef applied in the cooking.

And seriously, what’s with stitching fabric to his skin? At least Kratos had a pretty good reason to be covered in ash.

I am at least thankful that they have chosen to remove the good/evil swingometer from Dragon Age; this was a throwback to the light side/dark side gauge of Knights of the Old Republic, and an unnecessary contrivance. But they still want you to think that the choices you make allow you to be one or the other. In fact, it’s nothing of the sort. All of Bioware’s games – and Dragon Age is no exception – fall short of delivering on their promises. Their much-vaunted choices really only boil down to playing the part of the hero, or being a total prick.

Let’s go back to the plot of Dragon Age for a moment. At the end of the day, all I’m really in it for is to kill the Archdemon and prevent the Blight. That’s it. It’s one choice, and it seems to fall squarely under the ‘being a hero’ category. If I was able to be truly evil, I might have the option of joining with the ranks of Ogres and Hurlocks, perhaps even overthrowing the Archdemon and leading the Blight to the surface myself. That is real choice. Deciding between going ahead with the mission or totally subverting it is what I expect when Bioware make their bold claims. Deciding to insult someone’s sexuality instead of thanking them isn’t quite the pinnacle of player-driven storytelling. Perhaps laughing maniacally and twirling my mustache whilst saying it might improve things.

There are no shades of grey in Bioware’s world. Oh sure, the elves are oppressed and the dwarfs are embroiled in bitter in-fighting – there’s even a rape sub-plot. But honestly, it’s a pretty clear-cut traditional fantasy world straight out of Tolkien’s playbook. A superior and generally well-realised fantasy world, but generic nonetheless. Compare this to the world of Andrej Sapkowski’s The Witcher, a universe also cut from the same cloth, but a universe twisted and reshaped to mimic the author’s Eastern European homeland. The game, also created by a Polish team, is as ambiguous as its protagonist. There is no greater good, and there isn’t really any great evil. There is simply life and the choices of how you live it.

That’s not to say that CDProjekt got it totally right – there are still times when you get rail-roaded as with every other RPG on the market. But – and it’s a crucial but – at least they make their choices meaningful. I literally sat for 20 minutes staring at my dialogue options during one protracted encounter. I could not easily discern where each option would take me, and it totally blindsided me. Bioware take note: when my dialogue options are ‘tell him he’s awesome’ or ‘kick him in the nuts’, and both of them progress the plot in exactly the same way, I’m not really being presented with much of a choice.

It’s not just dialogue either; I simply chose this as the most obvious way of presenting my argument. For me, if we want to give the player real and meaningful choices, the absolute biggest change to RPGs (and gaming in general) must come from a flexibility in how the story plays out. You can keep the plot simple – kill the Archdemon, prevent the Blight – but if you really want to make players think, give them the option of doing the opposite. Could you imagine playing through a game and reaching the conclusion, only to start again and play through it all from the opposite side? How much richer would the experience be?

So, back to Dragon Age. Despite my criticisms I’m looking forward to playing through the game as a total prick. I know that I won’t be able to alter the story in any substantial way, and I already know how it ends, but there are subtle changes that I can experience along the way. I just wish somebody somewhere would give me more of a choice.

The first thing that hit me was how tiny the miniatures are. They’re roughly the same scale as the humanoids in Warmachine and Hordes, but the metal is very thin. Consequently they are extremely light and feel very fragile. Even the Warpig, which comes on a 50mm base, is nowhere near as chunky as similar-sized pieces from other manufacturers. That’s not to say that they aren’t well sculpted – the level of detail is pretty high – it’s more that they require a little more care than other games.

Whilst I’m on the subject of the miniatures, I thought I’d mention what I think has been my major stumbling block with this game right from the beginning. All the talk about Malifaux being the new hotness seems to stem from how awesome the miniatures and background to the game are. Honestly, I just don’t get it. Firstly, the miniatures range varies massively in quality and tone. Compare the Executioner to Wuppwecht – they might as well be from two completely different games. From a range of about 50 individual sculpts, only a handful are even remotely appealing.

Secondly, the background or ‘story’ behind the game is equally as disjointed. It reads like fan-fiction, or worse a homebrew LARP setting. I guess for me a game has to be aspirational in that it features characters I can relate to and even be in awe of. Malifaux has ‘bog gremlins’ and little ice creatures that look like somebody has sneezed. Look, I’m all for a bit of humour in my games, but I like my humour with a healthy dose of awesome. Take GW’s Orks for example; sure, they’re packed with humour, but they also tick all the badassery boxes as well.

In a nutshell I’m really regretting this purchase. Instead of convincing me that everyone was right about this game, actually holding the stuff in my hands has only confirmed my worst fears. With Infinity looking increasingly more interesting, and the re-release of Hell Dorado around the corner, Malifaux at the moment isn’t firing my synapses as much as it has for other people. Unless the game itself is something special, enough to overlook my issues with the background and miniature range, then I can see this being sold on again.

After getting kicked about a bit more – admittedly through making a horrendous error of judgment when declaring charging order – I found myself on the very bottom table for my last game. Clearly my opponent had not had a great weekend either, so I did the only decent thing I could: crush him mercilessly.

I scored a massive win (he only took 112 points off me) which took me out of the bottom five and up to the heady heights of… 113. Still, it’s not dead last, but it’s clearly my worst ever performance at a tournament. Elsewhere the rest of the Cocks suffered just as badly, with Mike and his Orcs & Goblins finishing one place above me in 112th, Radders’ Wood Elves at 76 and the Vampire Counts making Chris the biggest Cock in 60th. We finished dead last in the team competition though.

Despite all of this: despite gauging the power level completely wrong; despite making small but costly mistakes; despite setting up in front of a Skaven gunline with no cover; despite playing a banned Lizardmen list… Despite all of this, I had a great time. I’ll be back next year no doubt, this time with something that requires a bit less finesse and a bit more power.

So that’s me done for tournaments this year. I’ll be back in January for the Warhammer World 40K Doubles, but in the meantime you might be able to catch me and the Cocks at the Warlords club nights. That’s if they let us in, of course…